making amends (amara)

Sitting on his bed that evening, Jerome stared at his crystal sat on top of his pillow. He'd been battling with speaking to Amara but hadn't managed to catch her in the common room or after classes, and he would prefer their conversation was private. The only way would be to call her, and hope she was on her own.

Taking a deep breath, he picked up his crystal and got to her contact, selecting the option to call. After a while, it seemed he'd got through.

"Amara? Are you alone?"

@Amara Jordan

Amara lay on her bed, exhausted after cheer practice and yet another sleepless night the night before. She was pretty sure that the dark circles that had begun to form under her eyes were getting darker and darker by the moment. Maybe she could just catch a little nap before she had to work on more wedding things or homework or whatever else she had to do tonight. Koda was curled up at the foot of her bed with Ginger snuggled close and she found herself drifting off. That is until her Crystal rang. She startled awake and saw that it was Jerome. She frowned a bit, things hadn’t gone well the last time she had seen him… but she answered anyway.

”Yeah I’m alone, what’s wrong?” she answered in a still half asleep voice before hauling herself up off the bed to sit with her back against the headboard so she wouldn’t fall back asleep.

@Jerome Estrada

"Oh, good..."

She sounded tired, like she had just woken up. But he couldn't wait for her to be fully awake: he needed to say this now before any more time passed. Taking a breath, then exhaling a self-depreciating sigh, he said:

"I'm really sorry for upsetting you the other day. I don't know what came over me. It just all came out."

@Amara Jordan

Amara yawned, leaning her back against the headboard. She brushed her fingers through her hair in an attempt to tame the unruly mess it had probably become as she had slept for that short moment. She muttered something like mm-hmm in response to it being good she was alone then he trailed on. She sighed.

”No, it’s good to know what everyone really thinks. I didn’t know so many people thought that Ashton only asked me to marry him out of desperation rather than because he loved me.” even she could hear the hurt in her own voice. She was unlovable, wasn’t she? She had always worried that she was but she had tried to hide it.

@Jerome Estrada

It stung to hear the hurt in her voice. He didn't want to be the cause of her hurt. And recently? He seemed to be hurting her a lot more than Ashton ever did...

"He didn't want to lose you," he said, "And clearly he wants to show that he's forward-thinking and not just living in the moment. I've heard about him talk about the wedding, and refer to you as Mrs, and even... mention children. So..."

But he still didn't trust him - not at all. He was just making it sound like he did.

Jerome turned so that he was lying down on his bed, head pressed against his pillow.

@Amara Jordan

Amara sighed. She knew that she shouldn’t let what other people thought get to her but somehow Jerome had weaseled his way in. She cares about him. Maybe not in a romantic way but he was her friend and she cared that he seemed to think that Ashton didn’t love her enough to marry her… but what he said then didn’t sound like he thought Ashton didn’t love her. ”He almost did that day.” she said, her heart constricting at the memory of the cold way he had treated her when he was upset with her, the way her tears hadn’t even caused him to bat an eye as he had told her he wanted his slytherin jumper back. ”Merlin please, let’s not go into that. Children? With me? Is he insane?” she needed something to cling to that didn’t bring her sadness, that didn’t bring her memories of that night.

@Jerome Estrada

It surprised him to hear that - so much so that he was rendered speechless. What if there was another reality, somewhere, where he hadn't proposed? That they had their argument and turned their backs on one another? But if they'd split up, she would have been terribly hurt. Perhaps her drinking habits would have spiralled into real addiction. He wouldn't wish that on her...

At least she was making light of the situation in her next breath. Jerome laughed, not being able to help it.

"Well... that might have been a bit too forward-thinking," he confessed, "If my girlfriend started saying that kind of stuff, I would have freaked out as well. We're way too young yet!"

@Amara Jordan

Amara didn't like to think about how close things had come to being over between her and Ashton before he had proposed. They had more or less agreed that things were over and it had been his sister who had fought for their relationship rather than the two of them. She had tried to get them to see reason and at first they hadn't. Amara had been on her way out the door when Ashton had begged her to come back, when he had proposed instead of letting her walk out of it. "I didn't think you would have even watched that video, I had hoped you wouldn't. It was awful. And the reason for the fight was silly at best." She explained, feeling like she needed to... Just the whispered admission that he had almost lost her didn't seem like enough.

Then she shook her head as she pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin atop them. "Your girlfriend, huh? Does that mean you've got one hiding that you're hoping doesn't start talking about popping out baby Jeromes anytime soon?" She felt herself smiling as she said it. This was the part of their friendship she liked, the part she felt comfortable with. The banter, the teasing.

@Jerome Estrada

"Definitely a hypothetical girlfriend - not one I'm hiding under the floorboards," he said, laughing.

But what she'd said before got to him. Honesty wasn't always the best policy, but he felt he should tell her the truth.

"About the video, though - I hadn't watched it at first. But then on the train ride up to school, I watched it. I don't really know why - I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. But, as usual..." He sighed. "When I'm given an opportunity, I take it without thinking enough about the possible consequences."

He didn't want to mention Sierra. No matter how he phrased it, it would sound and feel as though he was placing the blame on her. It wasn't her fault though. Not in the slightest. She'd only wanted to help him...

"Anyway - were you asleep when I called?" he asked suddenly, wondering where she was.

@Amara Jordan

"Good to know you're not hiding some poor girl under your floorboards." She said with a laugh.

A sigh left her as the conversation looped back around. "I don't blame you. I think everyone in the school saw it. I'm not going to say I didn't hope you hadn't watched it. I was a wreck." It was embarrassing, really. She had been sobbing when he had told her that they were over. All because she couldn't help looking at that Veela boy. It really wasn't her fault. Or at least, she didn't think that it was her fault. She really couldn't help it.

She ran her hand over her face. "Yeah, I just dozed off." She said. "I had just gotten back from cheer practice." She explained. At least she had showered before leaving the gym where they had practiced so she didn't fall into bed all sweaty.

@Jerome Estrada

"Isn't it a bit early in the day to be falling asleep?" he asked, but sounded concerned. "I know you said about feeling exhausted a lot recently. Have you had trouble sleeping at night?"

She was probably in her dorm, alone. He may have been picturing her lying on her bed right now, having seen it for himself.

What is she wearing? The uniform, or did she change out of it? Maybe just her underwear...

He sniffed then, trying to remain nonchalant.

@Amara Jordan

It probably was a little early to be asleep, he did have a point but his concern let her know that he wasn't trying to lecture her in some sort of way for being lazy or some such nonsense. "Yeah, I haven't been sleeping much... I don't know why but I just can't seem to fall asleep or stay asleep." Unless she was drunk enough to pass out, but she doubted that he would like to hear that she had to more or less self-medicate to get herself to sleep. The sheets rustled beneath her as she readjusted her position, rolling to lay on her stomach, her head turned sideways to rest on her pillow as she heard him sniffle. "I don't want to bore you with my sleeping issues, though."

@Jerome Estrada

The sound of her rustling made it apparent that she was on her bed. He tried not to think too much about what she looked like, but it wasn't working.

"No - it's important to get decent sleep every night. So I'm worried."

He uttered a strained sort of groan as he hoisted himself up on his elbow.

"Maybe you should try ways of relaxing first? Do you find that your mind is the problem? As in, your thoughts and worries are keeping you awake?"

@Amara Jordan

Amara sighed, so she hadn't imagined the worry in his tone as he had just confirmed that he was worried. Why was it that she always had to make him worry about her? "Don't waste your time worrying on me, Jerome. I've lost a lot of sleep over the years, I'll be okay." Of course, most of that sleep she had lost had been due to partying and just staying up to enjoy herself. It was far different than this.

"Drinking usually helps." She pointed out with a mischievous little smirk that she knew he couldn't see but she couldn't help. "But yeah, I think it's just everything that's going on. We'll be graduating this year. That means no more Hogwarts, I don't know what I'm going to do after I graduate. And I have the wedding coming up. Which I'm not complaining about but I know that there's a lot to do if I want everything to be up to his family's standards and he offered that I could leave the planning up to him and his mother if it was stressing me out but I don't want that either." She was rambling so she quickly sealed her lips together so she wouldn't say anything else, flopping onto her back now and causing the sheets to rustle once again. "Sorry." She apologized for unloading on him. Why did she always do this?

@Jerome Estrada

"I'm going to worry, so just make use of it," he told her, smiling. Perhaps the slight exhale from his nostrils indicated it.

Drinking helps - he frowned. At least she had no way of hearing that. But at least she was opening up to him. He wasn't anticipating it, but he was always pleasantly fulfilled when she did. It meant there was trust. It meant, despite everything, they still had a kind of bond.

"Don't apologise. I want to help."

"As for not knowing what to do - go to the University. From the sounds of things, you can go there without having a clear idea on what to do. At least for the first year." That may not have been the most helpful advice, but there wasn't a quick solution to career prospects. It would have to be something they'd discuss further. "And when it comes to the wedding, try what I suggested. Take it one step at a time. Talk to Ashton about it..."

He knew his words wouldn't immediately cure her of sleeping issues, so he said:

"For now though, I just think you need to find some way of closing off all the worries so you can sleep."

@Amara Jordan

Amara didn't really have friends, so she didn't have anyone else to turn to with all of this stuff. Sure, there was Ashton and while she loved him and trusted him with everything she was, she just didn't want to burden him. She didn't want to be a pain. But for some reason, she felt like she could open up to Jerome. Maybe it was because he was her friend and they weren't romantically involved? She didn't know but the fact that he didn't respond to her statement about drinking helping wasn't lost on her. Usually, he would lecture her... Instead, he actually was giving her advice.

"It still won't be the same." She said in regards to going to university. She wouldn't admit it but she loved Hogwarts. She didn't know what she was going to do when she couldn't go back. "But I may have to look into it. It's better than nothing." Though, being a student wasn't going to pay any bills or anything. Then again, she guessed she really didn't have to worry about that all too much since she already knew that Ashton and his family were loaded... But it just didn't seem right to rely on their money when she didn't want to conform to what she knew his mother was going to want. "I've tried that and when I brought it up he just suggested that I leave it to him and his mother to plan. I don't want him to think I'm not grateful that he would take on all the stress but I also don't want someone else planning something like that for me." She sighed, lifting her head and allowing it to fall back to the headboard with a soft bang repeatedly. "Which again brings me back to my previous statement, drinking helps." Maybe at this point she needed something a little stronger than alcohol and weed.

@Jerome Estrada

He was glad she was at least considering university, and that she'd tried to speak to Ashton about her concern. For the latter, he imagined she was hesitant about pressing the issue. It needed to be pressed, and he needed to realise how much she was worrying.

The greatest concern he had, though, was her response to sleeping strategies.

"No - drinking isn't a long-term solution. You know it isn't, or you wouldn't still be having the problem. Also, I looked into the facts about drinking. You'll pass out, yes, but you're more likely to have disturbed sleep that isn't continuous. The glucose from alcohol will suddenly spike, and it makes you wake up at night, or never get to a deep sleep." He wouldn't have looked into it if it wasn't for her. "So you definitely need a different strategy."

@Amara Jordan

There was the lecture that she knew was coming! She had been waiting for it when she had mentioned drinking before but he had let it slide. He didn’t the second time. ”Im only having a problem because I can’t drink every night.” she interrupted in response to his statement about it not being a longterm solution. Had he really looked all this up? ”And why did you look all this up?” was it because of her? Because he was worried about her? ”and what would you suggest? Since you’re the expert and never miss out on sleep because your brain won’t shut down.” she rolled her eyes even though she knew he couldn’t see her.

@Jerome Estrada

”Why am I not surprised to hear that?” she asked, knowing even before he had said it that was probably the case. She was a little surprised to hear he had had trouble sleeping too. ”ah yeah, I heard the tub in the prefect bathroom is really nice…” not that she had ever seen it but he had mentioned having a bath. She actually blushed a little bit as he mentioned something she apparently knew. If he was meaning what she thought he was… but surely he didn’t mean that. ”I know what?” she asked innocently. Was he really saying he had a wank to help himself sleep on nights he couldn’t? An amused smirk tugged at her plump lips, she was surprised he would even mention such a thing if that was even what he meant…

@Jerome Estrada

"You know," he said irritably, digging himself further into this pit.

Perhaps he was saying it because she wasn't there. If she was, she'd see all the shame and the embarrassment and the agony over suggesting such a thing.

"Just..."

Why was he still talking on this subject?!

Seriously! Stop!

"Think about a good time?"

@Amara Jordan

”I’m sure I don’t know.” she was teasing him now but she was oh so good at sounding innocent even with the smirk on her lips. Maybe she hadn’t been sure what he meant before but she sure did now that his irritated tone echoed from her Crystal. ”so I’m supposed to think about a good time while doing whatever it is you’re referring to that I have no idea about?” she couldn’t keep a straight face but her voice at least sounded so blisfully innocent, just as she had hoped. She could only imagine him squirming in embarrassment right now.

@Jerome Estrada

"Amara..." he breathed, almost pleading.

There was a loud crackling sound as he moved onto his back, staring hopelessly at the bed canopy above him. This was excruciating, but he'd brought it on himself. She sounded utterly clueless, politely inquisitive, although he imagined she was just taunting him. Maybe... that was nice too.

"Urgh."

He'd made that sound of frustration, feeling heat around his face, having the sudden urge to end the call and blame it on an accident.

"Fantasies. Fantasising about things that would make you feel good, then... making yourself feel good."

@Amara Jordan

Amara almost felt a little bad when he practically begged her, saying her name in a mixture of a groan and a whine as she played her little innocent act. Oh, how she had missed teasing him like this. She only wished she could see how red his face had to be as she heard him shuffling around on the other end of the line. But apparently she played her part well and he actually started to explain to her. She couldn’t help a small little laugh as she spoke again. ”Jerome, how scandalous if you. Your poor dorm mates.” she was truly teasing him openly now. ”that’s what helps you sleep at night, hmmm?” she couldn’t keep the teasing tone from her voice now, no matter how she tried.

@Jerome Estrada

The amount of times she had laughed at him and not because he'd said something funny...

She was enjoying this, and he was gazing hopelessly at the canopy above, unable to think up a good enough retort. He shifted around uncomfortably, wishing he could stay still and not give away his embarrassment, but it was getting the better of him.

"It- it's just a last resort, okay? I was just - I was only saying it could be - I mean, desperate times..." he spluttered, feeling sweat at his brow now. He released a long sigh. If he was going to recover from this, he had to seem at least a little bit confident. An adult. "Everyone does it sometimes." Right?

Does she? In that bed she's lying on? Right now?

Realising his throat had gone dry, he swallowed hurriedly.

@Amara Jordan